Quippy on a Soapbox

Posted on 2019 January 20

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The Quip Monster dropped by the office the other day, took over a desk, commandeered a laptop, and began typing away, claws clicking. He kept taking swigs from a flask, spilled some on a stack of papers, burped and growled a lot, then got up and waddled off. We looked at the laptop and found Quippy’s latest snarky epigrams:

The problem with politics is simple: two enemy tribes occupy the same territory.

Casting a vote is like swinging a sword — it feels good to strike at the enemy.

In an election, one side gets what it wants by taking it out of the other. Yet both sides insist they have the answer for everyone.

We think what we want is what the world needs.

Political budget battles are like a bunch of alcoholics fighting over what type of booze and how much to drink.

The Left wants a world where no one ever feels insulted by someone else’s privilege. The Right wants a world where they don’t have to deal with anyone who lacks privilege.

The Left wants a world where, if they must be gray, no one else can have bright colors. The Right wants a world where, if they have bright colors, everyone else would look good in gray.

“We passed this law because we care about you — please obey it or we’ll have to punish you.”

Why does the Left hate the Second Amendment? Because liberals have plans for spending the conservatives’ money, and conservatives have guns.

If immigrants voted Republican, Democrats would be fighting to build a border wall.

Trump is like fertilizer: smells bad but makes everything grow like crazy. Democrats are like bunnies: huggably cute but they eat everything down to the roots. Take your pick.

The fastest way to become a conservative is to win a revolution.

Think your tribe of outsiders is special? Just remember: “contrarian group” is an oxymoron. (Look it up; I’ll wait.)

We complain about being blamed for things we didn’t do, but we’re silent about things we get away with.

Go ahead and smoke your underwear or marry your goldfish. I couldn’t care less. Just don’t force me to do it.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is attractive, charismatic, and the other side thinks she’s a moron. She’s the Sarah Palin of the Left.

Modern feminism: Men are no damn good, and women are their equal.

In politics, anything’s possible — the world is full of crazy.

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Posted in: Humor, Politics