Best TV Quotes

Posted on 2013 May 23

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%22best TV quotes%22

Years ago, I posted on my website a page of great quotes from motion pictures. Readers chimed in with their own favorites, and pretty soon the page got really long. But that was fine: we were having fun. Since then, I’ve thought about adding a page of best TV quotes. Finally — to paraphrase TV’s Quick Draw McGraw — the thin’in’ is over! Herewith, a page of great one-liners from television past and present. It does have a minor weakness: it’s top-heavy with action, superhero, crime, and cartoon quotes. (Now you know what I like to watch — basically, shows for bright 10-year-old boys.) So please help me out with great quotes from other programs. Meanwhile, and without further ado …

“Tonight we have a really big shew!” — The Ed Sullivan Show

“And awaaaaay we go!!” — The Jackie Gleason Show

“Hey, Hoppy, wait for me!” — Hopalong Cassidy

“Sherman, set the WAYBAC Machine to 1947.” — The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show

“You unlock this door with the key of imagination.” — The Twilight Zone

“Scotty! I need more power!” — Star Trek

“Kapow!” — Batman

“Bazinga!” — The Big Bang Theory

“Would you believe…?” — Get Smart

“Good morning, Mister Phelps.” — Mission: Impossible

“You are being watched.” — Person of Interest

“Smile! You’re on Candid Camera.” — Candid Camera

“It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor! Won’t you be mine?” — Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood

“I’m more like my father than I thought. I wanted to be the lawyer he was, the man he was. Turns out we both just like to cheat on our wives.” — L.A. Law

“The thing about love is that you’re always at its mercy.” — Torchwood

“Everybody lies.” — House, M.D.

“Hey, hey, we’re the Monkees!” — The Monkees

Lucy!! You got some ‘splainin’ to do!” — I Love Lucy

“You got a job, we can do it, don’t much care what it is.” — Firefly

“I don’t think I’ll ever be happy again as long as you live.” — Perry Mason

“This gun was handcrafted to my specifications and I rarely draw it unless I mean to use it. Would you care for a demonstration?” — Have Gun – Will Travel

“Exterminate! Exterminate!” — Doctor Who

“Missed it by that much!” — Get Smart

“He’s dead, Jim.” — Star Trek

“I’m the Doctor.” — Doctor Who

“Murder is never funny.” — Perry Mason

“Let’s be careful out there.” — Hill Street Blues

“As always, should you or any of your I-M force be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. Good luck, Jim. This tape will self-destruct in five seconds.” — Mission: Impossible

“In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.” — Buffy the Vampire Slayer

“I must become someone else. I must become something else.” — Arrow

“To boldly go where no man has gone before.” — Star Trek

“Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.” — The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show

“Who wants to be a millionaire?!?” — Who Wants to Be a Millionaire

“I have been authorized to give you this check for one million dollars.” — The Millionaire

“Hello, pic-a-nic basket!” — The Yogi Bear Show

“Listen, while you’re grabbing the Rambaldi manuscript, if you happen to see a sandwich…” — Alias

“As my old pappy used to say . . . ” — Maverick

“Be true to your teeth and they won’t be false to you.” — The Soupy Sales Show

“I’ll do the “thin’in'” around here! And don’t you forgit it!” — Quick Draw McGraw

“Scotty, beam us up.” — Star Trek

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Rob Schwartz, AIA, who has a superb memory for such things, rattled off these TV quotes for our amusement:

“Book ’em, Dano.” — Hawaii 5-O

“Say the magic word and win two hundred dollars.” — You Bet Your Life

“Wunnerful, wunnerful.” — The Lawrence Welk Show

“And that’s the way it is.” — The CBS Evening News

” . . . a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the American way.” — Superman

“Yes, Kemosabe.” — The Lone Ranger

“Out of the blue of the western sky, it’s Sky King!” — Sky King

On, King! On, you huskies!” — Sergeant Preston of the Yukon

“Just the facts.” — Dragnet

“There’s a scout troop short a child! Khrushchev’s due at Idlewild! Car Fifty-Four, where are you?!?” — Car 54, Where Are You?

“Sock it to me!” — Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In

“Everybody loves somebody sometime.” — The Dean Martin Show

“M, I, C … See you real soon! K, E, Y … Why? Because we like you!” — The Mickey Mouse Club

“Happy trails to you, until we meet again!” — The Roy Rogers Show

“Say goodnight, Dick.” … “Goodnight, Dick!” — Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In

Okay, now it’s YOUR turn! Think of a TV quote that’s either so memorable that everyone knows it, or so cleverly written that it stands on its own as a great line. Post it below in the “Reply” field. (At my discretion, I might even add your quote to this essay, below.) Have fun!

“We now return control of your television set to you.” — The Outer Limits

* * * STAY TUNED, THERE’S MORE TO COME: A further selection of quotes from readers, plus extras that I think up. (If no contributor is listed, the quote is from me.)

“Hey Wally!” — Leave It to Beaver

“Helloooo, Mister Wilson!” — Dennis the Menace

“Great Caesar’s ghost!” — Superman (from Kaydee McKinney)

“I want Spike for a pet.” — Angel

“And that’s the name of that tune!” — Baretta

“Not bad for a hundred and one. Don’t look a day over ninety!” — The Second Hundred Years (from Shaun Hunter)

“And you can take dat to da bank!” — Baretta

“What, they don’t teach recreational math anymore?” — Doctor Who

“Mister Solo, open Channel D, overseas relay.” — The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (from Larry Wilson)

WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM TO BRING YOU A SPECIAL BULLETIN. Tony Blake, frequent guest star on “The Brady Bunch”, “The Partridge Family”, etc., sends these quotes:

“I am not so think as you drunk I am.” — M*A*S*H

“Insanity is just a state of mind.” — M*A*S*H

“Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!” — The Brady Bunch

“Calling Doctor Bombay!” — Bewitched

“Never fear, Underdog is here!” — Underdog

“H-R Pufnstuff! Can’t do a little ’cause he can’t do enough.” — H.R. Pufnstuf

“Exit stage left!” — Snagglepuss

“Put another candle on the birthday cake!” — Sheriff John’s Lunch Brigade

“I’m no fool, nosiree! I’m gonna live to be a hundred and three!” — The Mickey Mouse Club

“Zoom, zoom, zoomah, zoom!” — Zoom

“I am The Doctor, and I am afraid!” — Doctor Who

“Pity the fool!” — The A Team

“Believe it or not, I’m walking on air!” — The Greatest American Hero

“Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird … it’s a plane … it’s SUPERMAN!!” — Superman

“Here I come to save the day!” — Mighty Mouse

“GILLIGAN!!” — Gilligan’s Island

“You bet your bippy!” — Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In

“Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!” — Saturday Night Live

“Hello, I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not.” — Saturday Night Live

“Jane, you ignorant slut!” — Saturday Night Live

“Never mind!” — Saturday Night Live

“Wilmaaaaa!” — The Flintstones

“Mecca-lekka-hi, Mecca-hiney-ho, Mecca-lekka-hi, Mecca-chani-ho!” — Peewee’s Playhouse

“Here in the West, we’re livin’ the best, Bonanza! If anyone fights anyone of us, he’s got a fight with me, Bonanza!” — Bonanza

“Move ’em on, head ’em up, head ’em up, move ’em out, move ’em on, head ’em out, Rawhide!” — Rawhide

“I thought there should in truth be heavy damages for malpractice on human souls.” — The Virginian

“Carbon paper in the safe — what brilliant foresight! In only two thousand years it will turn into diamonds.” — M*A*S*H

“Corporal, deform the men.” — M*A*S*H

“Aaaaeeeyyy!” — Happy Days

“Schlemeel, schlemazel, Hasenfeffer Incorporated!” — Laverne & Shirley

“A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants!” — The Mary Tyler Moore Show

“Love, exciting and new, come aboard! We’re expecting you.” — The Love Boat

“Love, American style, that’s me and you!” — Love American Style

“Oh, Rob!” — The Dick van Dyke Show

“A Quinn Martin production!” — Quincy, Barnaby Jones, The Streets of San Francisco, etc.

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM, ALREADY IN PROGRESS:

“They sometimes have their little spats, even fight like dogs and cats, but when they are together that’s when … they’re Ruff & Reddy!” — The Ruff & Reddy Show

“It’s Howdy Doody time!” — Howdy Doody

“Christmas comes but once a year, but I’m here everyday!” — Chucko the Clown

“You must respect mah authoritahy!” — South Park

“They killed Kenny! You bastards!” — South Park

“I know what you’re thinking.” — Magnum, P.I.

“Oh … my … GOD!!” — Magnum, P.I.

“Cookie!!” — Sesame Street

“The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.” — ABC’s Wide World of Sports

“I know nothing!!” Hogan’s Heroes

“De plane! De plane!” — Fantasy Island

“Is the person to whom I am speaking?” — Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In (from Kaydee McKinney)

“One of these days… POW! Right in the kisser!” — The Honeymooners (from Kaydee McKinney, darathecollector)

“BANG, ZOOM! Straight to the moon!” — The Honeymooners

“Ahhh, shut up!” — The Honeymooners

“Ginchy!” — 77 Sunset Strip (from Kaydee McKinney)

“Kowabonga!” — Howdy Doody

“Tomorrow’s just your future yesterday.” — The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

“I love old things. They make me feel sad.” … “What’s good about sad?” … “It’s happy for deep people.” — Doctor Who

“Trust me! I’m an improviser.” — Torchwood

“It’s always the same! Nobody cares until you tie them up.” — Torchwood

“Luuucy!! I’m home!!!” — I Love Lucy (from darathecollector)

“I have come to think that, among men, only the fit must die. Unlike the animals, only the best men are cut down.” — Route 66

“‘Fight for the brothers you find,’ the Great Spirit said. ‘Fight for them, for they are your home.'” — Longmire

“Take me to your leader! … I’ve always wanted to say that.” — Doctor Who

“I have the two qualities you require to see absolute truth: I am brilliant and unloved.” — Doctor Who

“The worse it gets, the more I love it.” — Doctor Who

“I wish I’d known you better.” … “I think, sir, you’ve known me at my best.” — Doctor Who

“So your client’s statement is that she couldn’t have killed her husband because she was too busy planning to kill her husband.” — Elementary

“Demons run when a good man goes to war.” — Doctor Who

“Yes, I feel guilty about what we do. Doesn’t make me stop doing it.” — Torchwood

“I want to be in the Piazza del Campo in Siena. Feel the surge as ten racehorses go thundering by. I want another meal in Paris at L’Ambroisie in the Place des Vosges. I want another bottle of wine. And then another. I want the warmth of a woman in a cool set of sheets. One more night of jazz at the Vanguard. I want to stand on summits and smoke Cubans and feel the sun on my face for as long as I can. Walk on the Wall again. Climb the tower, ride the river, stare at the frescoes. I want to sit in the garden and read one more good book. Most of all, I want to sleep. I want to sleep like I slept when I was a boy. Give me that. Just … one time.” — The Blacklist

“Okay, spread out.” … “Hey, guys, wait, wait! Shouldn’t we be spreading out closer together?” — Grimm

“Love weddings! They’re final yet festive, like funerals with champagne.” — Eureka

“You framed yourself for a murder you actually committed.” — Elementary

“Dogs are my favorite people.” — Stargate SG-1

Next time you decide to stab me in the back, have the guts to do it to my face.” — Firefly

“I’m a scientist. When I find evidence that my theories are wrong, it’s as exciting as if they were correct.” — Stargate SG-1

“No river is shallow to a man who can’t swim.” — Have Gun – Will Travel

“They say living well is best revenge. I prefer torture.” — Arrow

“The universe itself was made out of vows.” — Salem

“Him dead, Kemosabe. But me glad. Him deserve to die.” — The Lone Ranger

“You guys know what chocolate is? … You don’t? This is gonna be huge!” — Stargate: Atlantis

“Spent her entire life chasing something that destroyed her.” — The Blacklist

“The Inquisition would’ve been a lot different with nibbling, if you ask me.” — Bones

“I thought maybe together you and I could kill him. Along with, you know, everyone else.” — Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D

“My roommate was paying his respects to an old girlfriend, the widow of the deceased. I was his wingman.” — Forever

“Five foot one and crying! You never stood a chance.” — Doctor Who

“Human beings have incredibly short lifespans. Frankly, you should all be in a permanent state of panic.” — Doctor Who

“You’re a man who says ‘I love you’ while looking over a woman’s shoulder into the mirror.” — Agent Carter

“Seek not wickedness amongst your neighbors, lest it find purchase in your own house.” — Stargate SG-1

“Sadly, there isn’t a prison on Earth where I don’t know a few guys.” — The Blacklist

‘Stun’ seems to work.” — Star Trek: Enterprise

“Why do they call themselves the human race? Do they think someone is going to win?” — 3rd Rock from the Sun

“Nothing renews your appreciation for the military like the threat of invasion from life-sucking aliens.” — Stargate Atlantis

“No one knows they’re not dreaming. Not one of us. Not ever. Not for one single moment of our lives.” — Doctor Who

“They’re a bizarre pair. He listens for a living and she doesn’t speak.” — Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Humans as a species are untrustworthy creatures. We don’t deserve to live forever.” — The Blacklist

“In my youth I was dismissed from multiple posts. Being ousted for insubordination to a mental incompetent is its own reward.” — Elementary

“Are you out of your mind?!?” … “Since when is that relevant?” — Person of Interest

“Every experience you ever had, every seeming mistake or blind alley, was actually a straight line to who you were meant to be.” — Castle

“The future is predetermined by the character of those who shape it.” — Stargate Atlantis

“People who get violent get that way because they can’t communicate.” — Mr. Robot

“I’m good at reading people. My secret? I look for the worst in them.” — Mr. Robot

“Keep to the plan! I’ll make the reality.” — Hell on Wheels

“I was always more comfortable around numbers than people. I could control numbers.” — Hell on Wheels

“They call me the Swede. I’m Norwegian.” — Hell on Wheels

“Nobody gives you power. Real power is something you take.” — Dallas

“Real mothers would never abandon their children. No matter what they were.” — Grimm

“Get me a salad for lunch. I don’t care what kind, as long as it has a cheeseburger on top.” — Supergirl

“Please do not fan-girl over the arch-villain!” — The Librarians

“You know what the upper crust is? A bunch of crumbs held together by dough.” — The Librarians

“Maybe there was a violent struggle here. Followed by a thorough scrubbing.” — Elementary

“I suggest you forget what you know about my reputation.” — Have Gun – Will Travel

“I don’t understand!” … “Neither do I. I try never to understand. It’s called an open mind.” — Doctor Who

“The future is still coming.” — Doctor Who

“People talk about premonition as if it’s something strange. It’s not. It’s just remembering in the wrong direction.” — Doctor Who

“What is a god but the cattle’s name for farmer? What is Heaven but the gilded door of the abbatoir?” — Doctor Who

“I love him. I need him. It’s the same thing, isn’t it?” — Have Gun – Will Travel

“You’re insane.” … “I wouldn’t know.” — The Blacklist

“In my experience, a grown man who keeps a photograph of his mother on his desk at work is capable of anything.” — Elementary

“I know my value.” — Agent Carter

“What is it?” … “Short answer is, ‘I don’t know.’ So is the long answer.” — Agent Carter

“Are you drinking the communion wine?!?” … “Yes, it’s god-awful. If they only switched to burgundy, the people would be much more devout.” — The Blacklist

“Don’t worry. We’re perfectly safe.” … “Yes — a phrase I find is usually followed by a lot of screaming and running and bleeding.” — Doctor Who

“I’m not scared of Hell. It’s just Heaven for bad people.” — Doctor Who

“A rifle is a very dangerous piece of equipment if you don’t mean to use it.” — Have Gun – Will Travel

“I am pissed off with Finch. But I know he’s not a spy. I just don’t want him to get shot. I want him to come home in one piece … so I can shoot him.” — Limitless

“You may have all the money, but I have all the men with guns.” — House of Cards

“Give a man a mask and he will show you his true face.” — Grimm

“How long have you been practicing law?” … “What time is it?” … “It’s twelve twenty-two a.m.” … “About seven hours.” — Daredevil

“‘Careful’ is just a friendly name for ‘chicken’.” — Have Gun – Will Travel

“You have failed this city!” — Arrow

“I believed that I could resurrect a god. But instead I freed the Devil.” — Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

“We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.” — Grimm

“I’d rather die on the mat than throw in the towel.” — Person of Interest

“We’re supposed to think we’re something we’re not until we become that thing.” — The Flash

“For a few to be immortal, many must die.” — In Time

“Guilt can be a good thing. It’s a soul’s call to action.” — Daredevil

“You know the problem with martyrs? The good ones end up dead.” — Daredevil

“What is it, to be a hero? Look in the mirror and you’ll know.” — Daredevil

“This evening has a serious purpose. We are not here to entertain. If I see any people enjoying themselves, I shall of course expect them to be thrown out.” — Murder Rooms

“You ever have a chocolate egg cream? . . . It’s like drinkin’ Brooklyn. In a good way.” — Justified

“How have you put up with him, all these years?” … “We suffer well together.” — Justified

“It’s not for the weak or the kind. No one in this room is kind. That’s why you’re here.” — Penny Dreadful

“We’ll carry on with this fight. We can lose every battle, all except the last.” — Penny Dreadful

“Do you believe in God?” … “I believe in everything.” — Penny Dreadful

“The night I saw you at my door, I thought God had given me another chance. Like a pinball reset.” — Justified

“You don’t wanna be one o’ them girls starves herself to death ‘cause she thinks a man wants to cuddle up next to some gristle.” — Justified

“If you pretend to be something long enough, it’s not pretending.” — Justified

“Kevlar. You’ve changed.” — Longmire

“A ripe apple falls. It doesn’t know what else to do.” — The Blacklist

“We call them silencers, but they’re not that silent. Not at night. Not when it’s two shots murdering your family.” — Timeless

“What’s the fun of having a time machine if you can’t fix your regrets?” — Timeless

“I’m so happy, I have to pee!” — Eastwick

“Get a saw. I’ll kill the lights, you kill the patient.” — Doctor Who: The Husbands of River Song

“How dare you! I’m your wife.” … “You planned to murder me!” … “Don’t change the subject.” — Doctor Who: The Husbands of River Song

Everything ends, and it’s always sad. But everything begins again too, and that’s always happy.” — Doctor Who: The Return of Doctor Mysterio

“Coincidence is dating two girls at the same time and then finding out they’re sisters. By the way, bad idea.” — The Librarians

“All sad people like poetry. Happy people like songs.” — Penny Dreadful

“Can’t stand it. Never can. There’s a loose thread in the world.” … “Well, it doesn’t mean you have to pull on it.” … “What kind of a life would that be?” — Sherlock

“The world is woven from billions of lives, every strand crossing every other. What we call ‘premonition’ is just movement of the web.” — Sherlock

“I’m not sure what game you’re playing, my dear, but I so enjoy watching your scales catch the light as you coil.” — Penny Dreadful

Things become other things. The leopard consumes the monkey and becomes leopard and monkey. The crocodile consumes the leopard and becomes crocodile and leopard and monkey.” — Penny Dreadful

“Are you a superstitious man?” … “Not by nature. But I’m learning to be.” — Penny Dreadful

“To be loved, simply for who you are. Is that not the engine in all human creatures? To be normal.” — Penny Dreadful

“Hunting a man is no great thing. They are slow and predictable. They can be found always where their appetites lead them.” — Penny Dreadful

“If you cannot endure the nightmare, you should not lie down for the sleep.” — Penny Dreadful

“There are some wounds that can never heal. There are scars that make us who we are, but without them we don’t exist.” — Penny Dreadful

“I know who you really are — a junkie who solves crimes to get high.” — Sherlock

“A man meets his destiny on the very road he takes to avoid it.” — The Flash

“Jesus, if You help me find him, I swear, once I kill him, I’ll straighten up.” — Justified

“I’ve never felt so much nothing.” — Lost Girl

“Good things happen to those who wait for Stupid.” — Justified

“The nature of promises, Linda, is that they remain immune to changing circumstances.” — House of Cards

“I don’t want to live in a world where someone else makes the world a better place better than we do.” — Silicon Valley

“Why are the hot ones always so crazy?” — Legion

“You’re being a snob.” … “Someone has to be.” — Elementary

“Poetry, physics, same thing.” … “How is it the same?” … “Because of the rhymes.” — Doctor Who

“Ignorance is safer, but it isn’t bliss.” — MacGyver [2017]

“Depending on the circumstances, anyone is capable of anything.” — Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

“I’m not Scottish. I’m cranky.” — Doctor Who

“This just feels like stalking.” … “No, it’s journalism.” — Supergirl

“Passion fights, but Reason wins.” — Doctor Who

“I’m scared!” … “Don’t be.” … “Why not?” … “It doesn’t help.” — Doctor Who

“I don’t think we’re supposed to like people for what they’re good at. I think that’s something we make up to torture ourselves.” — The Magicians

“Midori, hmm. Does it work?” … “Nothing works forever.” — The Magicians

“I think I like her. I hope I like her.” — The Magicians

“Magic is real, and it can fix anything except what I need.” — The Magicians

“Maybe that’s why we get along — you see the good in me, I see the bad in you.” — The Flash

“I knew the difference between magic and miracles. One is real, and one is a lie with sparkles.” — The Magicians

“I think I’m drunker than I think I am.” — The Magicians

“I don’t blame myself, except for when I first wake up, and when I go to bed, and all the time in between.” — The Magicians

“You know what’s safe? Nothing.” — The Magicians

“You’d be amazed how many guys think that if they talk fast enough no one’ll realize they got nothin’ to say.” — Justified

“That’s the trouble with hope  it’s hard to resist.” — Doctor Who

“We’re not gonna wait for the government to save us. We’re gonna save ourselves.” — Salvation

“You are coming across distinctly paranoid.” … “Everyone keeps saying that! It’s like a conspiracy.” — Jessica Jones

“You know what happens when you burn a bridge? You gotta learn to swim.” — Jessica Jones

“One of the great things about this country — hunting’s not just for the rich.” — Orphan Black

“I’ll never forgive you for what you’re making me do to him.” — Stitchers

“I’m not snooping! Just … wondering.” — Orphan Black

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.” — Salvation

 

 * * * * HEY, KIDS! YOU CAN POST YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE BELOW, IN THE “REPLY” FIELD.

(see also BEST MOVIE LINES)

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Posted in: Humor, The Arts