Quippy the Grump

Posted on 2018 June 10

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The only known member of the species Snarkius quippicus — we call him Quippy — always shows up at The JimBlog out of nowhere, unannounced. He tramps into the newsroom, plops down at a desk, commandeers a computer, and plinks out a page of copy. He then hands it to our editor and stomps off toward God knows where. We pore over his words, laughing and shaking our heads, because the Quipster never fails to amuse with his social and political wit. On a slow news day, he’s like a gift from Editorial Heaven.

This time, though, Quippy simply walked in, handed us a sheet of typed paper, stared at us a moment, then walked back out. Strictly speaking, he was escorted out on account of the lit cigar in his mouth. (There’s no smoking in the newsroom, and rules are rules.) Only one member of the escorting security team had to be sent to the hospital, so — counting the interesting copy we received from our old friend — it was a net positive.

Herewith, then, are the latest cantankerous musings of The Quipmeister. Enjoy!

* * * *

Would you buy a used car from a politician? No? Then why elect them?

Political leaders don’t know you or care about you, but they do care to get you riled up so you’ll do all the hard work that helps them become powerful.

Humanity is the only species that has gone from caves to space travel, yet emotionally still lives in caves. No other creature comes close to being that screwed up.

Societies, like ecosystems, are best left alone. When we try to control them, for fear of wolves or weeds, we make them worse.

Freedom only works if everybody’s free. It fails if merely your team gets to do what it wants.

The Bill of Rights protects us most during a crisis, when the government wants most to quash our freedoms. Otherwise, after the crisis is gone, so are the freedoms.

When celebrities believe weird stuff, that’s ‘woo-woo.’ If they abuse staffers or underage teens, that’s a ‘no-no.’ But if they get tried and convicted in the media, that’s an ‘Uh-oh.’

You can’t determine the truth by voting on it.

The Left doesn’t care if everyone’s poor, as long as no one is rich. The Right doesn’t care if everyone’s uncomfortable, as long as no one is embarrassing.

The Left believes fervently that government is their friend and business is the enemy; the Right believes roughly the opposite. Polarization, anyone?

The Left tends to take issue with economic science, while the Right tends to get huffy with parts of natural science. And they both have trouble understanding genetics.

The Left points out problems with the system and then offers solutions that make things worse. The Right has no plan at all because it thinks the system is just fine the way it is. Guess who wins.

Politics is mainly about one side forcing the other to its knees, while the rest of us pay the upkeep.

Modern democracy takes the dark, vengeful side of humanity and dresses it up as a virtue. 

In war or democracy, the winners get to dominate the losers. The sole advantage of democracy is that it’s much less bloody.

Democracy isn’t where problems get solved; it’s where tribalism gets focused. The trick is to keep it in the polling booth and not spilling out into street fighting.

If war is Hell, politics is Purgatory.

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Posted in: Humor, Politics