What Partisans Really Believe

Posted on 2016 October 23

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“What Partisans Really Believe” cybergedeon-AL-with-red-flag.png

POLITICAL PARTISANS:

CONSERVATIVE: “Other cultures are wonderful … on that side of the border.”

LEFTIST: “I’m broke because … uh … rich people took my money! Yeah, that’s it.”

LIBERTARIAN: “Do what you want. Just don’t spill it on my stuff.”

SOCIALIST: “Corporations are monopolists! So let’s replace them with a government monopoly.”

COMMUNIST: “From each according to his ability, to each according to his rank in the Politburo.”

NEO-NAZI: “We’re hip! We love tattoos. Especially numbers. On your forearm.”

FASCIST: “Our duty is to the government! And I work for the government, so your duty is to me. — Wow, that was easy.”

WHITE SUPREMACIST: “White people are the smartest and should rule the world! …Except most of them are too stupid to realize it!”

MALE CHAUVINIST: “If women had any brains, they’d realize they oughta cook me dinner.”

FEMINIST: “Men are hairy women who should sit down and shut up. And then cook me dinner.”

ISLAMIST: “Allah loves you! And if you don’t agree, we’ll cut off your head.”

EVANGELICAL: “God loves you! But if you don’t worship Him properly, He’ll send you to Hell forever … because, you know, He loves you!”

BUDDHIST: “Nothing exists. But you’re stepping on my robe.”

JEW: “Okay, what did we do this time?”

MILITANT ATHEIST: “Religions cause wars! So join our war against religions.”

AGNOSTIC: “…Huh?”

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OTHER PARTISANS:

MARIJUANA SMOKERS: “Inhaling marijuana is *COUGH-COUGH* much safer for your health than *COUGH-COUGH-COUGH* tobacco.”

DRINKERS: “Alcohol is *HIC* safer than marijuana— Whoa! Where’d that car come from?! Hey, buddy, you drive *HIC* like an idiot!”

DODGER FANS: “Our team is the best! Hey, we just won the World Series in … when was it? Thirty years ago? Never mind.”

CUBS FANS: “THIS IS OUR YEAR!!! We’re the best! We’ve been growing into the best team … for about a century.”

LAKERS FANS: “#**!@*!!%*#!”

DOG LOVERS: “Dogs are friendly, loyal, loving, playful, heroic, protective — what cat can do all that?”

CAT LOVERS: “Oh, yeah? Cats don’t bark all the time, and they’re loyal, too! I’ll show you. Here, Kitty! … Dang, Kitty jumped out a window again.”

BIRD LOVERS: “My parrot is really smart! It reads the newspaper every day. And then craps on it.”

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