Coach God Lays Down the Law — a short story

Posted on 2016 January 31


"coach god lays down the law" whistle_clip_art_19792.jpg

Okay, people, listen up! It’s early in the season, and I want to set out the rules. Follow them, and we’ll get along just fine and we’ll be a great team— HEY, YOU TWO IN THE CORNER!! I’m talking! If you’re not serious, we don’t need you here. 

…That’s better. Okay, where’s the team captain? Mo? There you are. Write this stuff down and make copies and hand them out after.

First, don’t go looking for another coach. There isn’t one. I’m It. Deal with it.

Second, don’t make up fantasies about coaches you wish were me. You’ll just make me cranky.

Third, don’t tell people, “Coach will take my side in this” when maybe I won’t. You don’t tell me what to do. It’s the other way around.

Fourth, we’re gonna work hard in here, but I want you to rest on the weekend and think about what we’ve accomplished and what I’ve taught you. I have office hours at that time, so feel free to drop in, we can talk about anything.

Fifth, respect your parents! Think of them as assistant coaches. Do what they ask.

…Okay, that covers the chain of command. Now here are the no-no’s:

Don’t murder anyone! Are you kidding?!? If you take out a team member, I will kick your ass.

No hanky-panky with someone else’s partner! It’s a huge distraction and makes people pissed at each other and they get into fights. And I toss you off the team. 

Don’t steal people’s stuff! How are you gonna trust each other if you do that? Plus it’s harmful and selfish. Again, cranky.

Don’t lie about your teammates! The team will bicker and fall apart. Besides, I know everything going on around here, and if you twist the facts, you’re lying to me. I won’t have it.

Don’t be jealous of each other. If they have something you don’t, I gave it to them. If you want to improve your position here, earn it

…Let’s see… Okay, that’s all ten points I wanted to make. It’s a lot to remember, so when in doubt, keep in mind two things — Respect Me, and be good to each other. Do that, and we’ll get along and win the big games. Now, let’s get out there onto the field! Hup-hup!