Quippy for Congress

Posted on 2016 January 10


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Politics is where the worst human instincts — anger, envy, paranoia, elitism, deceit, aggression — are encouraged as virtues.

Angry people, like drunks, think they’re smart, but they have the mental capacity of morons. You can’t ponder when you’re mad, and politics is mostly about angry people arguing over who gets to use force on whom. Thus democracy is like giving a gun to a someone who is pissed — in either sense.

Attention liberals: you can’t steer the world! It’s too big. Attention conservatives: don’t worry about liberals messing with the rudder … as long as you control the trim tab.

Liberals believe conservatives have the brainpower of Neanderthals. Conservatives think liberals have the moral standing of a hopped-up armed robber.

The problem with the Left is that it wants to throw the baby out with the bathwater. The problem with the Right is that it doesn’t want to wash the baby. 

A lot of people think a Constitutional Convention would cure what’s wrong with America. They don’t consider that their political enemies could take over the process and make things worse.

When business and government have an affair, they create a love child called a corporation.

The problem with political corruption is that it’s hidden. Politicians should proudly proclaim the support of major contributors, arguing openly that together they’re doing good things for the country. “Your union voice in Congress!” or “Standing tall with Businesses for America!” At the very least, we’ll know what’s going on and can make better decisions at the polling booth. And it won’t be any sillier than the current farce.

Conservatives believe they can use smartphones without the resulting social changes. Liberals think they can hobble companies and still get smartphones.

The right is not racist the way the Left is not socialist.

Only the Republican party could take millions of immigrants, with their conservative social values, and push them into the arms of Democrats.

Rich white men pay for most of America’s huge social safety net, and people of color are still relatively poor. Could there be a connection?

Most white Americans support a minimum wage, and they also support tough penalties for drug offenders. African Americans suffer high unemployment, often resort to selling drugs, and are imprisoned at more than three times the average rate. Could there be a connection?

If Africans had invented gunpowder before Europeans, Americans would be congratulating themselves for their fairness in electing Obama as the first white president.

Conservatives would bomb the world to make way for America. Liberals would dismantle America to make way for the world.

Politics begins with complaining, the adult version of a baby crying in its crib, the hope that someone will come over and take the bad thing away.

Blaming is the attempt to compel other people to pay for our mistakes. Democracy is voting on who gets the blame.

Pursue your own virtue, but don’t force it on others. What’s between them and their God is none of your business.

Stop complaining! If it hurts, you are doing something wrong. Fix it — and you won’t need to worry about politics anymore.


Posted in: Humor, Politics