Let’s Ban Everything

Posted on 2015 December 6


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An international group of scientists has called for what would, in effect, be a ban on making inheritable changes to the human genome, after the invention of a tool that allows researchers to spot a gene defect inside living cells and swap it out. — news item

Sure, genetic tech might cure all diseases, but a mad scientist could alter the DNA of a fetus and turn it into a monster. That’s evil! Let’s ban gene splicing.

Scientists have genetically modified plants so they grow better and produce more food. But that’s unnatural! It’s evil. Let’s ban GMOs.

Criminals often use pistols. Those weapons are evil. Let’s ban guns.

Kitchen knives can kill people. So evil. And creepy. Let’s ban kitchen knives.

Medicines can be used in suicides. They’re evil. Let’s ban medicines. Wait, except for my prescriptions.

People can steal your identity online. That’s wrong. Let’s ban the Internet.

A taxi passenger got raped. How dare they! Let’s ban Uber.

People sometimes die in car crashes. This is evil. Let’s ban automobiles.

Electricity can kill. Zap, you’re dead. Bad bad bad. Let’s ban electricity.

Some people drink too much. Evil. Let’s ban alcohol— no, wait, we tried that. Never mind.

Cigarettes can cause health problems. And they’re promoted by evil business tycoons. Let’s ban tobacco. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, then, at least Marijuana is bad. It’s true! I forget why, but it’s true. So let’s ban pot and— what do you mean, it’s already been re-legalized? That’s crazy!

And now young people are vaping. It’s a straight line back to cigarettes … What? Vaping helps people get free of cigarettes? That’s just propaganda. Let’s ban vaping.

Come to think of it, business owners are criminals! After all, they’ve got much more money than me, and that’s WRONG!! Let’s ban rich people. (Except for my favorite entertainers. They can have as much as they want. They’re AWESOME!!)

Some films show naked people having sex. Eww. That’s so wrong because it’s … um, wait a minute … oh yes, I remember — it’s violence against women! —Or, no, wait, it tempts people to fornicate. I forget which. Anyway, it’s evil. Let’s ban porn.

Pets are prisoners! It’s so unfair and evil. Let’s ban pets. But then they’ll be running around all over town, so we’ll have to euthanize them. You know, poop everywhere, it’s so icky. But wait a minute, they really should be allowed to vote, because we’re committing species-ism against them! But mostly let’s liberate them. And then kill them. 

Some people say things that hurt other people’s feelings. (Especially what that nasty person said to me the other day.) Bad bad bad bad. Let’s ban offensive speech. (Except I can be offensive, because they started it.)

Some immigrants commit crimes. They’re evil. Let’s ban immigrants.

Some men are bastards. Sooooo evil. Let’s ban men.

Some children cause trouble. Evil. And noisy. Let’s ban children.

… In fact, Let’s ban everything that upsets me. 

And if you don’t like it — Let’s ban YOU.