Quippy Presents: Old vs. New

Posted on 2015 May 7

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The old way was to kill people who offend you; the new way is to snipe them on Twitter.

The old way was a full-time career where you were stuck with a boss you hated; the new way is two part-time jobs with two bosses you hate.

The old way was to despise the poor; the new way is to despise the one-percenters.

The old way was to obey the group; the new way is to argue with everybody.

The old way was censorship; the new way is trigger words.

The old way was to flirt; the new way is a harassment suit.

The old way was to buy openly a pack of cigarettes (and sneak a box of condoms); the new way is to buy openly a box of condoms (and sneak a pack of cigarettes).

The old way was a Butch cut and beer; the new way is a shaved head and Chardonnay.

The old way was Cowboys and Indians; the new way is Army and Arabs.

The old way was a love letter; the new way is an emoticon.

The old way was chain smoking and slim hips; the new way is regular exercise and obesity.

The old way was a cheap incandescent bulb that failed in a year and you could throw it out; the new way is an expensive flourescent bulb that also fails in a year and contains hazardous materials so you can’t ever throw it out. 

The old way was to run homos out of town; the new way is to force bakeries to decorate gay wedding cakes.

The old way was to forbid stem-cell research; the new way is to make taxpayers pay for it.

The old way was to ban birth control like a poison; the new way is to force Catholic hospitals to hand it out like candy.

The old way was dial phones and Red Scares; the new way is smart phones and Big Brother.

The old way was a coup and an execution; the new way is an affair and an impeachment.

The old way was to invade countries for their resources; the new way is to sell arms to them so they can invade someone else.

The old way was armies pitched against each other; the new way is battles between computers.

The old way was to kill in the name of God; the new way is … hold on, that hasn’t changed.

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