A Devil’s Dictionary of Careers

Posted on 2015 February 5

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“ . . . the satirist is popularly regarded as a sour-spirited knave . . . ” — Ambrose Bierce

Public figure: someone who always says exactly what he needs you to believe.

Journalist: a writer who reports the truth the way the readers want to hear it.

Economist: an intellectual who proves that the marketplace should be run to suit his employers.

Scientist: an intellectual who proves that the evidence points to the answer that pleases the grant committee.

Philosopher: an intellectual who issues abstract fancies and pretends they’re logic.

Teacher: a government employee who explains the world to students in accordance with the beliefs of the school board.

Bureaucrat: a government employee who screws things up so his department will get a bigger budget.

Politician: a government employee who screws things up to get re-elected.

Statesman: a government employee who screws things up out of conviction.

Civil attorney: a type of lawyer who convinces a court to take money from someone and give it to the lawyer (and his client).

Left-wing campaigner: a political operative who wants everyone to accept all people, except for businessmen.

Right-wing campaigner: a political operative who wants everyone to accept all people, as long as they’re white.

Feminist campaigner: a political operative who believes men are asses and women are their equal.

Chauvinist campaigner: a political operative who believes women should be free as long as it doesn’t interfere with housekeeping.

Evangelist: a preacher who wants you to come to God or go to Hell.

Sports star: an athlete who gets paid millions to play a child’s game.

Painter: an artist who plays a child’s game, then sleeps on a friend’s couch.

Actor: an artist who portrays a superlative person and hopes you’ll confuse the two.

Plumber: a tradesman who works hard and sends his kids to college so they can become intellectuals or political operatives or attorneys and make less money.

Blogger: a pseudo-intellectual who lampoons people who have better jobs.

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