The Bargain — a short story

Posted on 2014 April 17

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%22the bargain%22

“Okay, okay, let’s talk.”

“First. Wherever you can smoke marijuana, we can smoke cigarettes.”

“Wait—”

“Nice talking to you.”

“Sit down! Fine. We toke, you smoke.”

“Next. Your side can have gay marriage, our side doesn’t ever have to pay for contraceptives.”

“But—”

“We already discussed butts. Take it or leave.”

“*sigh* … All right.”

“Third. You can have abortions, we can keep our guns.”

“Aw, man—! …Well, why not.”

“Fourth. You can restrict coal-fired plants, but we can frack.”

“Um, there’s this climate problem—”

“And there’s a Middle East oil problem. Your goal, no coal. We drill, no spill. Fair enough?”

“…Yeah, okay.”

“Fifth. You stop hounding Israel, we stop threatening Iran.”

“But Israel—”

“—will bomb Tehran if you keep trying to corner them.”

“This is no fun.”

“It’s not about fun. It’s about moving forward.”

“Anything else on that list of yours?”

“Yes, one more thing. Whichever party loses the Senate in the next election, on the first day of the new session, their men must show up in drag.”

“You’re kidding.”

“We’re serious.”

“Is this something in J. Edgar Hoover’s will?”

“No, it’s—”

“Hey, wait a minute! You just want to play dress-up!”

“Uh… well…”

“It’s a deal! Better get measured for those skirts. Something in chiffon would be nice.”

“Really? You don’t think that fabric is over the top?”

“You’ll look great.”

“…Then let the campaigning begin.”

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Posted in: Fiction, Humor, Politics