Necessity Is the Mother of Moral Invention

So convenient a thing it is to be a Reasonable Creature, since it enables one to find or make a reason for everything one has a mind to do.” — Ben Franklin

Liberals tend to be on the losing side of market competition, so they believe free markets are morally suspect. Conservatives tend to be on the winning side, so they believe free markets are good and should be left alone.

Many Republicans can’t stomach the idea that God would deliberately create a gay person, so they condemn gays for choosing their lifestyle. Many Democrats don’t even believe in God, so what’s the problem?

Democrats are generally less affluent and conclude they’ve been ripped off by rich people. Republicans are generally more affluent and conclude they’re being soaked by the poor.

In 2009, 54 percent of Republicans believed in the theory of evolution. By 2013, Republicans had become so angry with Democrats in the White House and Senate that only 43 percent of them believed in evolution.

Conservatives, having plenty of cash, argue that freedom is the road to prosperity. Liberals, having trouble making their payments, argue that liberty ends where the poor’s needs begin.

Democrats depend on the votes of atheists, agnostics, Hindus, Buddhists, Pagans, and other non-Christians, so they believe it’s not proper to tout one’s Christian faith at political events. Republicans depend on the votes of Evangelicals, so they believe it’s improper not to espouse one’s Christian faith at events.

The wealthy assert that the Rule of Law is essential to the American experiment because it guarantees the stability of their lifestyle; the underprivileged believe democracy is the most important part because there are more poor voters than rich ones.

Democrats depend for votes on eccentrics of all stripes, so they insist difference should be celebrated; Republicans depend on conservative, white Christians, so they argue that Americans should aspire to be like them.

Liberals can’t imagine how rich people got past the glass ceiling except by theft and fraud. Conservatives can’t imagine why poor minorities, women, and immigrants keep trying to bump noisily up against that big, thick, clear piece of glass the conservatives are trying to walk on.

Liberals are relatively open minded about sex but generally not so good at paying for large expenses like child rearing, so they favor abortions, as needed; conservatives are generally better off and less ecumenical about sex out of wedlock, so they believe abortion is wrong.

Liberals think it’s morally right that the successful among us pay to help struggling workers get back on their feet. Conservatives think workers should stop whining and get back on their feet.

Liberals, resenting the well-off, believe the Democratic party platform should be enacted into laws that all people — especially Republicans — are forced to obey. Conservatives, resenting the rowdy underclass, believe the GOP party platform should be enacted into laws that all people — especially Democrats — are forced to obey.

When Party A is in power, it passes laws that deeply offend the members of Party B, who plot revenge. When Party B attains power, it passes laws that deeply offend the members of Party A, who plot revenge.

And so it goes.

Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought. — John F. Kennedy

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Tagged: left vs. right, liberals and conservatives, libertarian, political bias, Republicans vs. Democrats, selfishness

Posted in: Humor, Politics