Don’t read this sentence.
You may sometimes think you’re delusional, but you’re wrong.
What’s the difference between a fish?
Two hikers get lost on a mountain ridge. One pulls out a map, studies it, and says, “I know where we are.” The other asks, “Where?” The first hiker points to a nearby mountain. “See that peak? That’s where we are.”
What does DNA stand for? — “National Dyslexia Association.”
There are two signs of impending senility, memory loss and … and …
Is it hotter in the summer or in La Jolla?
Why did America invade Iraq after Afghanistan? — Because the light was better.
The last thing that went through the bug’s mind as it struck the windshield was its ass.
If I think I’m sane, how do I know?
Life is like lime with an “f”.
And what does the “f” in fractal mean? — It means “fractal”.
How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? — Two: one to change the bulb, and one to not change the bulb.
Sometimes it makes sense to be irrational.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? — To get to the other … um … never mind.
You’re unique. Just like everyone.
Once there was a conservative who later became a liberal. Also there was a liberal who later became a conservative. Which one was right? (And which was left?)
Is it faster to Kansas City or by plane?
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary.
You have to be free.
One day a butterfly dreamed it was a human. And here you are.
This sentence is false.
(Apologies to theguardian.com and various Zen Buddhist websites and Larry Wilson for borrowing and adapting some of these jokes.)