Cracking Wise at the Political Divide

Posted on 2013 October 3

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%22cracking wise at the political divide%22

In this time of perpetual political crisis, when discussions often become tense and angry, perhaps a bit of levity is in order. Therefore (and at the risk of alienating everyone I know), here are a few quips and cracks aimed at both sides of the debate . . .

In America, conservatives think the purpose of government is to rein in theft and licentiousness, while liberals think the purpose of government is to rein in conservatives.

Businessmen think government is a necessary evil. Liberals think businessmen are a necessary evil.

Conservatives dislike immigration because the unwashed masses show up and ruin everything; liberals like immigration because the unwashed masses show up and vote Democratic.

The American dream began as a quest for freedom but ended up as a race for cash, and the only political question is who owes how much to whom.

Conservatives believe political rights protect them from tyranny; liberals believe human rights give them a chunk of conservatives’ money.

Liberals believe morality depends on circumstances; conservatives believe circumstances depend on morality.

Liberals favor Jews but dislike Israel; conservatives favor Israel but dislike Jews.

Evangelicals want the government to represent God; atheists want the government to represent Richard Dawkins.

Liberals trust bureaucrats when they shackle businesses but distrust them otherwise; conservatives distrust bureaucrats except when they’re shackling liberals.

Liberals understand that ecosystems have an endless capacity to thrive when left alone, but they believe economic systems only prosper when controlled; conservatives understand the ecology of the marketplace but think environments have an endless capacity to absorb pollution.

Liberals want to appease foreign governments; conservatives want to bomb them.

Liberals want to legalize marijuana but criminalize tobacco. Conservatives raise glasses of alcohol and toast, “Just say no to drugs.”

Liberals fear they’ll die without government healthcare; conservatives fear they’ll die because of it.

Liberals think conservatives are troglodytes; conservatives think liberals are devilkins.

When conservatives get angry, they want to pass another law. When liberals get angry, they want to pass another law.

… And so it goes.

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Posted in: Humor, Politics