Puns in the News

Posted on 2012 August 20


(Hold your nose — here come a bunch of rank stinkers about current events . . . )

A reporter asked Obama’s vice president what it was like in office, and the veep shrugged, saying, “I’m just Biden my time.”

Los Angeles experimented with storefront distribution of marijuana, but it all went to pot.

They decided to hold a competition for athletes who’d retired due to serious sprains: they called it the O-limp-ics.

Then they decided to have a contest among medical doctors: they called it the O-lymph-ics.

Mars rover Curiosity discovered so many weird, Alice-in-Wonderland things about the Red Planet that NASA decided to send two new rovers. They call them “Curiouser and Curiouser.”

Two ecologists were talking about climate change. One said: “We get our message out, but conservatives are cool to it.” The other said: “Yeah, they get pretty stormy. But give them time and they’ll warm up.”

Android digital phone sales pulled ahead of iPhones, and the headline said: “Google Takes a Byte out of Apple.”

And when Apple hauled a phone maker to court for patent infringement, one of the defendants — an employee named Sam — tried to ingratiate himself with the plaintiffs by hinting that his company may have copied some of Apple’s technology. The headline read: “Apple Polished: Sam Sung.”

Kerry Kennedy, woozy, crashed her car; they found traces of an anti-insomnia drug in her blood. The local district attorney was asked if Kennedy would be charged, and the D.A. replied, “Let me sleep on it.”

A small country suffered a serious earthquake, and emergency response was inadequate, so the people tossed their leader out of office. He protested, saying, “It’s not my fault!

The Arabic TV news service began playing Big Band music in the pauses between news feeds, declaring, “It’s an All-Jazz Era.

And then a Pakistani border guard tried to tell a play on words to his Indian counterpart but it came out wrong and he got slugged; locals called it a Pun-jab.

Cuban refugees escaped their homeland by boat and got to within yards of the Florida shore but were intercepted. The refugee leader pleaded, saying, “We want to live! If we go back, it will mean our deaths!” One officer looked over his shoulder at the sand, then back at the refugees, and shrugged, saying, “Yep, life’s a beach.”

Russian animal control officers began rounding up stray cats because they heard there’d been a Pussy Riot.

A TV watchdog group held a demonstration against junk-food commercials aimed at children during Saturday-morning cartoon shows. The protesters were angry; in fact, they got animated.

When the leadership of China was transferred to Hu Jintao, a visiting U.S. senator called to congratulate him, whispering to his aide, “Tell me again, what’s his name?” The aide replied, “Hu.” The senator said, “You know, the new Chinese leader.”

The Ecuadorians gave asylum to WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange but warned him: “Don’t try revealing any of our secrets. In Ecuador we really draw the line.” (Get it? The Equator? … Oh, never mind.)

Negotiators finally worked out an agreement for a new oil pipeline between Canada and the U.S.; the news report said: “Oil’s Well that Ends Well.”