How to Pick a Political Party

Posted on 2012 July 12


Many of you are undecided, during this election season, about which political party to support. It’s understandable: things have gotten complicated over the past few years. As a public service, I’ve created a simple chart, below, to help you choose.

First off, it’s important to pick one of the two main parties, the Democrats or the Republicans. Picking a third party, most people will tell you, is a waste of your vote. After all, third parties never win, so why try? Of course, by that reasoning, voting for major-party candidates is also a waste if they’re clearly going to lose. Also, in a national contest, your vote is one of a hundred million, so there’s a much greater chance you’ll die in a traffic accident on the way to the polling booth than change the election with your single vote. Also-also, the more votes third parties get, the more attention politicians will give to those voters, since they will want to lure them away at the next election. But never mind. Just pick one of the two big parties.

Now that we’ve narrowed our choices, let’s see how the Dems and the GOP compare. The simplest way is to ask yourself what you want for America. Most of us yearn to breathe free, to do what we think is right, but at the same time we resent the evil influences of our political enemies and wish them hobbled so they can’t do any more mischief. These opponents happen to have the right to vote, so we can’t put them in concentration camps like we want to. But this is a minor inconvenience that can be overcome simply by winning elections and passing laws that restrict those miscreants’ behaviors. (Our opponents want to do the same to us with their votes. But never mind.)

This chart will show how each of the two major parties come down — whether they favor more freedom or less on each of the four main issues that face Americans.

        ISSUE                       DEMOCRATS            REPUBLICANS

Economic freedom                           less                                          more

Taxes and entitlements                  more                                        less

Social freedom                                   more                                        less

Military and borders                       less                                           more

Note that the parties are symmetrical opposites: for every call to freedom by one side, there’s an equal call for restriction by the other. So the choices are simple and stark.

Even with this chart, it can be hard to select a party without an overall guiding principle, or theme, that captures the essence of each side. For your convenience, then, here are simple definitions for the two parties:

Democrats: workers and minorities, who resent the status of the rich and their uptight, militaristic ways.

Republicans: management and Old Money, who have contempt for the poor and their scandalous behavior, and won’t take any crap from upstart foreigners.

Now it’s much easier to see which side you’re on. If you hate the 1%, want them to give it back, believe everyone should have their own lifestyles, and wouldn’t dream of attacking foreigners, then you’re a Democrat! And if you despise moochers and whiners, hate being forced to donate to welfare queens, want to eradicate all that gay-marijuana-abortion stuff, and think foreigners should keep to themselves, then you’re a Republican!

Simply choose the side that stands for the freedoms you crave and the restrictions you ache to impose on others, and you’ll know how to vote. Problem solved!

…isn’t it?

Posted in: Politics