Famous Sayings 2.0

Posted on 2012 July 9


Epigrams, quotes, sayings — there are a zillion of them. Many are universally famous; often they were penned centuries ago and need no improvement. But how might they sound if they were written today?

“A jug of Wine, a loaf of Bread — and Thou beside me singing in the Wilderness.” — Omar Khayyam

Some trail mix, a beer — and you, my dear.

“Judge not, lest ye be judged.” — Jesus

If you flame on the Net, the Net will flame you.

“A pox o’ your throat, you bawling, blasphemous, 
incharitable dog!” — William Shakespeare

May your Facebook account be canceled, you snarling, yelping twit of a Teacup Yorkie!

“A penny saved is a penny earned.” — Benjamin Franklin

A dollar saved is a dollar earned. (As long as it goes into Direct Deposit.)

“Buy not what you want, but what you have need of; what you do not want is dear at a farthing.” — Cato the Elder

Cheap things at Amazon are expensive if you don’t need them.

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. — Mark Twain

I hate the rich because all I have is an empty PayPal account, but give me stock options and I’ll reconsider.

“There are fifty who can reason synthetically for one who can reason analytically.” — Sherlock Holmes (Arthur Conan Doyle)

Anyone can look up answers on the Web, but few can prove them.

“Do not believe what your teacher tells you merely out of respect for the teacher.” — Buddha

Just because it’s on Wikipedia doesn’t mean it’s true.

“Love your Enemies, for they tell you your Faults.” — Benjamin Franklin

Those who hate you will be happy to point out your need for Listerine.

“The best lack all conviction, while the worst / Are full of passionate intensity.” — William Butler Yeats

Politely we let sociopaths / Manipulate cyberspace.

Inferiors revolt in order that they may be equal, and equals that they may be superior. Such is the state of mind which creates revolutions.” — Aristotle

Revolutions aren’t about equality. They’re about revenge. Via Twitter.

“When one has too great a dread of what is impending, one feels some relief when the trouble has come.” — Joseph Joubert

Enough CNN updates! Bring on the war!

“He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster.” — Friedrich Nietzsche

I fought gangbangers until I was one of them.

“Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous.” — Winston Churchill

Overseas battle may be glorious, but election media campaigns at home are just as bloody.

“I had rather be shut up in a very modest cottage with my books, my family and a few old friends, dining on simple bacon, and letting the world roll on as it liked, than to occupy the most splendid post, which any human power can give.” — Thomas Jefferson

Give me an e-reader and my friends and family in a quiet timeshare, and you can keep your Oval Office.

“A chief event of life is the day in which we have encountered a mind that startled us.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

We doze until awakened by the voice mail of a true original.

“They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see nothing but sea.” — Francis Bacon

Some things we haven’t written the code for, but that doesn’t prove we can’t.

“Be regular and orderly in your life so that you may be violent and original in your work.” — Gustave Flaubert

Act like shareware; create like a virus.

“There is nothing with which every man is so afraid as getting to know how enormously much he is capable of doing and becoming.” — Soren Kierkegaard

Man up! You can do better. And there’s an app for that.

“Live as you will have wished to have lived when you are dying.” — Christian Gellert

On your deathbed you won’t say, ‘I wish I had spent more time spell checking.’

“Man is most nearly himself when he achieves the seriousness of a child at play.” — Heraclitus

Send files like an adult, but Text like a kid.

“Once more on my adventure brave and new.” — Robert Browning

Let’s bootstrap it.