Liberals vs. Conservatives

Posted on 2012 June 21


A bit of fun at the expense of both left and right in American politics — this is sure to annoy everybody! Here goes:

–Liberals whine; conservatives sneer.

–Liberals are depressive; conservatives are manic.

–Liberals talk about sexual freedom; conservatives go out and get laid.

–Liberals support think tanks; conservatives support belief tanks.

–Liberals smoke weed and want to ban cigarettes; conservatives smoke cigars and want to ban weed.

–Conservatives hire undocumented workers but want to deport them; liberals want to loosen immigration but license and minimum-wage them so they can’t get hired.

–Liberals want conservatives’ money; conservatives want liberals’ fun.

–Liberals want personal freedom and economic controls; conservatives want economic freedom and personal controls.

–Liberals effectively want Catholics to dispense contraception; conservatives effectively want street hustlers to dispense abortions.

–Liberals want America out of the Middle East; conservatives want the Middle East out of America.

–Conservatives want a sound currency; liberals wish they could hear the sound of currency.

–Liberals want the freedom to marry anyone; conservatives want marital freedom for nary anyone.

–Conservatives want clean television; liberals want clean air.

–Conservatives want to control our private life; liberals want to control our public life.

–Liberals want to ban water bottles; conservatives just want to stay hydrated.

–Conservatives want to ban porno; liberals want to ban Fox News.

–Liberals want to forbid plastic bags; conservatives want to avoid food-borne illness from reused grocery sacks.

–Liberals want to ban genetic corn; conservatives want to ban stem-cell babies.

–Liberals want to ban triple-large sodas; conservatives want to ban triple-X movies.

–Conservatives think Armageddon is coming; liberals think Global Warming is coming.

–Conservatives want to de-regulate the boardroom; liberals want to de-regulate the bedroom.

–Liberals feel entitled to conservatives’ money; conservatives feel entitled to liberals’ behavior.

–Liberals want change; conservatives want tradition.

–Liberals feel righteous and believe conservatives are evil or stupid; conservatives feel righteous and believe liberals are stupid or evil.

–Liberals get to vote; conservatives get to vote.

Good luck to us all.

(Thanks to Rob Schwartz for his contribution.)