More fun with epigrams! First, a collection of pleasantly sarcastic snipes about humans and their foibles:
People and Friends:
–In the flux of urban life, friendships are under constant stress, but it’s easy to meet new people, so friends become disposable.
–Just because some people are charming doesn’t mean they’re nice; this is especially true of sociopaths and people in showbiz.
—The Waiter Rule, variation: If you’re nice to your associates but mean to the waiter, you’re a coward — why not just be cruel to everyone, the way you wish you could?
–Everybody tells lies, but only a few limit them to emergencies, while the rest lie for convenience.
–You can trust people in one respect, that they’ll be themselves; the trick is knowing who that is.
–People always believe they’re on the side of goodness and right, so no matter how badly people treat you — lying, cheating, stealing, bullying — you can bet they won’t listen to your protests.
–If someone hurts you by accident and you complain, they’ll usually apologize; but if someone hurts you deliberately, they’ll never take it back; and if someone hurts you and blames you, you’re under attack and must prepare for battle.
–We evolved to live in small villages whose members share the same culture, religion, and attitudes; instead, we’ve invented an urban society so complex, ever-changing, high-tech, and pluralistic that it drives us slightly insane — but since we’re all crazy in the same way, we don’t notice it and think we’re fine.
–If someone is widely believed guilty of a celebrated crime and you suggest that the public should wait for the trial results, people will turn on you, snarling — revenge, after all, is much more satisfying than reason.
–Modern humanity behaves like a small child driving his parents’ fancy car erratically down the street while gorging himself on candy and waving a gun out the window.
–People would love to use force to get what they want, but they don’t want to risk doing it themselves, so they get the government to do it for them.
–Those who try to legislate morality don’t know how to negotiate.
–Laws are enforced with guns, as necessary, and when we urge adoption of a new law, we’re saying, in effect, “Shoot anyone who refuses to comply” — so we should think twice when we vote.
–If the government can force people to buy health insurance, it can also force you to buy a new car every three years “to save American jobs”; it can make you purchase minimum amounts of broccoli “to maintain your health”; it can insist on proof you’ve gone to the cinema at least once a month “to protect America’s entertainment industry” — but the weirdest thing is how many people wouldn’t mind this, as long as they get free health insurance.
… Okay, enough with the dark stuff! Let’s move on to the lighter side of snarky:
–It’s not going to McDonald’s that’s bad for you, it’s eating their burgers and fries instead of their salads and fruit … but who wants healthy food when you can chow down on a Big Mac?
–Every fast-food chain has at least one delicious dish that anchors its success, yet not one of these companies gets any culinary respect.
–The more diets there are, the fatter people get.
TV and Film:
–When networks talk up the multi-episode “story arcs” in their TV dramas, what they really mean is, “This show is a soap opera.”
–Why do half the dramas on American TV have stars from England or Australia? And why are half the shows filmed in Canada? What’s up with all that?
–If a film gets panned but makes a fortune, its stars are proud of it; yet if a film is acclaimed but bombs, the stars pretend it doesn’t exist.
–The bigger your hurry, the heavier the traffic.
–Drivers who rush through traffic are contemptuous of drivers who don’t.
–Owners of fancy cars regard ordinary cars as being in their way.
–Humanity has emerged from childhood and entered adolescence, and though most teens make it to adulthood, there’s always a chance they’ll get drunk and drive the car off a cliff.
–We can’t really make our families and groups safe unless we’re willing to step outside them long enough to glimpse the humanity of other people and groups — this means you, liberals and conservatives and racists and zealots; and this means you, dear reader, who think you’re exempt. You’re not; I’m not; none of us are. We all must open our hearts.
Or we can just blow it off and go eat that Big Mac at McDonald’s.